I have played around with this for some time but a general framework has begun to emerge. From my life experience I believe we go through four distinct stages:
- In our early years, we learn to exist with others.
- In adulthood and into middle age, we learn to separate self for others.
- As we grow older, we learn to rejoin others with independence.
- At the tail end of our lives, we learn to not give a f*ck.
These are general stages, they do not correspond to ages or life status. Some people never experience them all and sadly become stuck in the early stages. Some are able to move through these stages rapidly and reach level four in their early 20s. A healthy individual is able to flow back and forth between level three and four.
Stage 1 – Existing with Others
As I watch my kids grow up, this stage hit me squarely between the eyes. We are born early, not fully formed. We begin as a lump of flesh and bone, needing a caregiver to meet our every need. It is all food, rest and comfort early on. As we mature in our early first and second year we begin to touch the exterior world. We pick up objects, put them in our mouth and roll them on the floor just far enough so that we need to move our body to retrieve them. Then we are thrust into school or childcare and are forced to deal with other little humans that are around our same age. Through this process we learn the mechanics of self control, so we can move our bodies and then we learn to interact with others.
It takes us years to learn how to empathize with others and read their emotions like our own. Some of us never make it to this stage. As we grow older relationships move into our orbit and leave. After a certain amount of collisions we are adept at mirroring others emotions and picking up on their state. We have had many relationships and some remain and have stayed with us. Usually this look like a handful of good friends that persist after high school as well a strong relationships with our nuclear family.
Stage 2 – Separating from Others
As we get into the working world we are usually inundated with a new way or relating to others. Many never learn how to separate from others and are stuck at the beginning stages of this step. As we progress, we learn the rules of the new game and realize that separating is a necessity. We must not become consumed with others wants for us. We must develop our individuality and learn to put our needs and wants above others. If this does emerge, it usually does around the second or third job change. We learn that our skills are transferrable and that no one will look out for our well-being. We learn that we must be on our own if we are the thrive and grow. We maintain our earlier relationships, we make new ones and we learn to bifurcate our personality to be a whole human with people and a player in the working world.
Stage 3 – Rejoining the Heard
As we become established in our field, we begin to hold onto longer term and deeper relationships with those who share our outlook. They do not fit into our working would, or our old developmental framework (from our early years). Instead these people push us and we grow with them outside of our vocation. We join various tribes and ideally lead and push these groups forward.
Stage 4 – Autonomy
As we age we learn that we do not need to care for others or bend our will and use out time to save others. We are each on our own path and though nurturing and helping others rewards us, it is not necessary for our growth and too much of it will hurt us. Some skip to this stage and become the old cynics. Less likely is that we reach this stage in a mature and enlightened way. We learn to be autonomous and to give zero f*cks. We are free to do as we please and have surrounded ourself with others that support us and push us but don’t coddle us.
How we Get Here
Sadly our current society is blinded and dumb. Most people never exceed stage one, and those that do rarely get to stage two. A very competent executive is probably firmly in stage two and completely unaware. I would estimate that western society exists in these percentages:
- 93% stage 1
- 4% stage 2
- 1% stage 3
- 2% skipped to stage 4 “Cynical”
- 0.1% Aware Stage 3 ↔ Stage 4
The goal is to become fluent with swapping between introspection and empathy without going too far in either direction.